Healing in progress
I’m here, but I could not be. Let me tell you a story.
I was raised by emotionally immature parents, mainly my mother. Narcissistic personality characterized her, caring only about herself and nothing else, not being able to self reflect nor say “I’m sorry” and blaming everyone around, usually a child. Children of such parents often end up insecure, with low self-esteem, and suffering from impostor syndrome. They avoid bothering others with their problems because, from a young age, they learn they won’t receive support, so why bother trying.
In high school (~17 yrs old), I was bullied for looking different, sporting a mustache. This bothered the “tough guys” in my class, escalating to threats. In the locker room, one of them approached me with a razor, saying it’s either I shave or they’ll do it. So, I did it, seeking some illusion of control. That day, my mother picked me up from school, looked at me, and said, “you look like an idiot”. The situation worsened as my mother escalated it further. Everyone knew about it and threats came not only from my class bullies but also their friends. It lasted a long time and one day, overwhelmed, I ingested pills, planning to die. Fortunately, we had no heavy medications at home, and I survived with only medium poisoning. My mother did nothing, labeling me an idiot planning suicide. I received no psychological care at that point. Somehow I managed to get back to “normal” living.
Moving forward to the birth of my daughter, handling a crying infant around the clock magnified my internal struggles. I was short-fused, easily angered. My wife suggested seeking professional help, and thankfully, I did.
I’m still in therapy, seven years and counting. Yesterday, I had a major breakthrough. Now, I see and understand this clearly - it’s not my fault. It’s due to my upbringing, having emotionally immature parents. People so insecure that their main goal is to make themselves feel better, regardless of the cost. For years, I doubted myself, blamed myself. A huge weight has been lifted, and now, almost at 40, I finally feel lighter and free.
I’m here, but I could not be. Each day I’m grateful that I can experience everything that happened to me. Having loving wife, healthy and intelligent daughter, being able to grow in my technical and leadership roles and bringing help to other people. Being able to play in metal bands, tour and play live shows. I’m grateful that I’m alive.
If you struggle with any problems, I encourage you to seek professional help. It’s nothing to be ashamed of and can make you a better person. Being parent or in kind of leadership role does not inherently mean you know everything. I no longer have doubts. I’m not afraid to admit that I don’t know something. I’m not afraid to ask questions. I’m confident that I’m a great father, a great husband, and a good leader (still working on the greatness part).
I hope all of you find your inner peace.
#psychotherapy #mentalwellbeing #motivation
